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January 6, 2013
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Red tears fall to the ground,
blood-red rain covering the surroundings.
An Angel's tears, precious blood,
dribbling     a
                     w
                        a
                           y.

Wasted on mankind, the poison on Earth.
Her wings crossed,
protecting her against the evil outside,
forgetting the evilness she let in her heart.
She's crying, letting her tears fall.
She weeps her precious blood for the useless mankind.
Gabriel's sword's gonna taste blood tonight,
blood harvested from mankind.
The Sacred Reaper watching, filled with hatred, over man.
I believe that not only has each person their own guardian angel, but also their own version of the Grim Reaper. Because no good comes without evil.
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:iconprettyflour:
prettyflour Featured By Owner Mar 5, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Hey there,

Prettyflour here on behalf of :iconpoeticalcondition: with the critique you requested.

I want to start by saying that I love the visual appeal of this poem. When I saw the 'away' falling downward, I was immediately drawn to this. The unique structuring of that one word really brought a certain... power to the word.

Now, onto content. Again, powerful phrases like useless mankind and Gabriel's sword's gonna taste blood tonight, are really heavy, both in emotion and in general impact.

If I have any criticism, I think it would be about your use of the words: red, blood and tears. All of these words are used more than once- and for me, I kind of wish you had reached a little further into your vocabulary and pulled out something new instead using these words again.

Overall, a good read. I poem I enjoyed. I hope this was helpful and if you'd like to discuss, please feel free to reply.

Thank you and have a great night!
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:iconmargethe94:
Margethe94 Featured By Owner Mar 6, 2013
Thank you for the usefull crituque. I have heard the thing about the use of the word 'red' a lot, and I think I'll try to replace some of the words:)
I'm glad you enjoyed the poem, I'll keep up the good work! :)
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:iconthelunardragon:
TheLunarDragon Featured By Owner Feb 16, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
This Critique is on behalf of :iconpoeticalcondition:

Alas, I am here once again to poke at your work with a stick ;) Hehe.

In all seriousness however this piece was extremely well written, and once again I am left with very little to even nitpick at. That being said I shall point out what I like about this piece... which... is probably thing that stands out the most. I love that the "away" in "dribbling away" is... IN FACT... dribbling away... oh dear the "almost pun" you made there. I love it... it made my day. No really it did, and my day is almost over, so that says a lot.

Another beautiful piece. Keep up the brilliant work!
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:iconmargethe94:
Margethe94 Featured By Owner Feb 17, 2013
Your critique is always welcome, so I'm glad you're giving me it once again :)
I happy that it made your day, that piece of the poem is also my favorit part.
I'll keep up the work, and hopefully it will result in another piece which can 'make your day'! :)
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:iconfunkeysanddance:
funkeysanddance Featured By Owner Feb 16, 2013  Student Writer
This critique is on behalf of #PoeticalCondition. First of all, the format of this poem is quite unique and beautiful! I really love how the word "away" is formatted to fit that line. It adds the extra emphasis on just simply that word and shows your very different and unique style of writing. I also really love the opposition here between the Angel and the Reaper. The only thing I would say that could be tweaked a little is the use of words repetitively. For example, maybe instead of saying red multiple times say a different word that means the same as red. Make sense? But those changes are completely up to you. :) It's exactly little things like that which make us all distinct writers. Overall, very beautiful poem!
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:iconmargethe94:
Margethe94 Featured By Owner Feb 17, 2013
I'm glad you liked the poem, thanks! I also thought of replacing the word red, but I find it very hard to replace colors. Sure I could call it blood-colored, but I wanted this poem to be kind of pure because of the angel. But perhaps I'll find something to replace it with sometime :)
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:iconfunkeysanddance:
funkeysanddance Featured By Owner Feb 16, 2013  Student Writer
Oh shoot. I forgot to make that under the critique thing. I'm so sorry.
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:iconmargethe94:
Margethe94 Featured By Owner Feb 17, 2013
It's fine, don't worry about it :)
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:iconthelunardragon:
TheLunarDragon Featured By Owner Feb 16, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Hello critique newbie! :P I am your colleague from :iconpoeticalcondition:

I feel a tad bit obligated to point out that not everyone will have a "Write Critique" widget under their deviation as it is a feature for premium members only. So basic members get their Crtitiques written in the comment section. That being said, you did just fine... calm down :P

Also, you should write the name of the group as a link or logo, like I did in this comment. To do that you type :icon and then the name of the group followed by another : with no spaces so it should look like this

[iconPoeticalCondition] except replace the brackets with these :
Hehe :P Welcome to the team newbie ^^
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:iconfunkeysanddance:
funkeysanddance Featured By Owner Feb 16, 2013  Student Writer
Haha! Thank you! That actually makes me feel so much better.
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